I Know It’s There AND THEN I Don’t

Two days ago in the post Your Lowness, my girl inserted an infusion set in my right arm. There’s a certain amount of weightTO it that makes me know it’s there. I guess the best comparison I can make to it is what it feels like to have a band aid on, only in a place you wouldn’t be likely TO apply a band aid. You know it’s there. And then you don’t. There are reminders of knowing throughout the days AND nights that follow. AND THEN there IS the NOT knowing, which IS nice.

My FIRST reminder came that night WHEN I tried TO take off my bra AND got ALL tangled up. THEN the reservoir  AT the END of the tube dangled down TO my pajama’d thigh. My hubby offered me an old phone and a clip, but it wouldn’t be the REAL deal. I need a dummy pump! STAT! The next DAY, I’m dressed and in the bathroom. Pants down, cause that’s what we girls do. Oh! Crap! Pull, tug. I forgot. AND THEN I don’t. When I completed my mission and pulled up the capris, I was more aware of the placement of my hands so I wouldn’t tug ON the tubing. I thought about attentiveness AND wondered how many moments IN her DAYWHERE attention IS put ON the adaptations that one makes because of pump ON waistband, infusion SET, AND snaking tubing.

Not too far INTO the PROCESS a knowing came over me that I had NOT yet experienced ON this sidecar journey WITH her diabetes. It’s been 2 years, 8 months. How could I not have done this sooner? Am I a shitty mom? Pricking my finger from time to time was nothing when compared to this feeling. Neither is peeing on ketone strips, which I started doing back in 1999, on occasions where a doctor wanted me to see positive ketones. Positive ketones for me? Required weight loss. Positive ketones for her? Death and destruction.

Other notes of attentiveness or awareness:

No wonder she likes wearing form fitting camis all the time. Tubing tickles.

Changing clothes isn’t easy. SOME articles of clothing REQUIRE either disconnecting your site, OR snaking pump AND tubing up through the clothing. Sports bra = NO fun. Sports bra? Try regular bra. OR, just strap it ON over the tubing AND forget about it. I wonder how often she might DO this? Does anyone ELSE DO this?  

I understand NOW why the clip IS SO STRONG. Pants, pump, plus toilet? That sucker has TO stay on.

Adjustments. Don’t I see her making adjustments here and there? Moving her pump around on her waistband? Pulling a little on the tubing to give it some slack?

I’m sure there are many more notes of attentiveness OR awareness that I’ll report on in the days to come.

Okay, so now that I “know what I know” I can’t STOP ON this journey, AND will follow her the whole week. But I have TO wait UNTIL she comes back homeFROM her dads. Divorce IS FULL of waiting. AND disappointments over missed moments of awesomeness, comfort, OR relaxation. This TIME IS NO different. She will DO her site CHANGE today AS scheduled, AND come home tomorrow WITH a gleam IN her eye, Mio torture device IN her hand. Ready. AND NOW, I wait – WITH awareness AS my companion.

(Note: Arrangements have been made FOR the very near future TO USE a friend’s old Medtronic pump as a dummy.)

Sharon K. Chrisman Written by:

Sharon Kabbes Chrisman

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